Music: Dirty dancing with Gaga, Rihanna and, erm, Ann Widdecombe. Plus! Brit hip-hop lyrics, and unlikely places we heard the xx
If dancing is a crime, lock us up ? ideally in Gaga's Prison For Bitches, scene of her neon crime-caper vid Telephone. It features not only a nod to the rumour that she's packing and a magical way of making Beyonc� seem like a laugh, but some of the finest moves ever busted. Here are the four best bits to try and dance along with (prison-issue metal studded bra and panties sold separately) ?
? The "hand over the phone card or I'll shank you" air-punch (3m, 11s)
? The boxing bikini bad girls' strut (3m, 24s)
? The "cyanide in the fish paste" teeth-gnash (6m, 53s)
? The demented post-poisoning Wonder Woman stomp (7m, 44s)
The Rude Bogle, Rihanna
The Rude Boy video led to allegations of pop-culture pilfering ? there's a bit of MIA here, a touch of Grace Jones there ? but the biggest homage it pays is to 90s dancehall, as Rihanna winds, grinds and bogles her way through the track. An honorary mention, too, for her What's My Name video, which features a brief dip that may actually be the best dip of all time.
The Whippersnapper, Willow Smith
A song not only named after a dance move but containing clear instructions within it: 10-year-old popette Willow's huge hit Whip My Hair was as much an anthem of the yoga-ed as it was the young, since it takes flexibility and a lack of sciatica to move one's head back and forth at the rate required to get one's swag on, Willow-style.
The Homo, Jocko
Glee Home movies have moved on and grown up. Nowadays, a carefully choreographed Single Ladies routine on YouTube is the new crackly video of your drunk nan at a wedding. It may have been everywhere, but nobody did it better than the McKinley High football team, who turned the routine into one of the most defiantly gay moments ever seen on TV.
The Widdy Wave, Strictly Come Dancing
Along with The X Factor's Wagner, Ann Widdecombe was the other half of a pincered attack on the "talent" part of talent shows towards the end of 2010. Her crowning moment was beatifically descending on the dancefloor from the heavens like a limp mackerel on a high wire. And, yes, she voted against gay rights repeatedly as an MP and favours the death penalty, but come on, you lot! She looked dead cute when she waggled her arms.
Tip on the tightrope, Janelle Mon�e
Not content with cracking a sartorial whip across pop, Janelle Mon�e had the moves to match, sliding her perfectly coordinated black and white brogues through a series of bird-like gestures in the video for the stupendously ace Tightrope. An inability to stay still for even a split second never looked so stylish.
Five musical genres we'll (hopefully) never hear of again
Chillwave
As played by: Pocahaunted, Washed Out. "Floating beyond noise to a dreampop hallucination of the 1980s," said Wire magazine of a genre they called "hypnagogic pop" but you can call everything from chillwave to darkwave, glo-fi or a name of your own choosing. Spot of fridgecore anyone?
Zef
As played by: Die Antwoord. South African rave-rap featuring filthy language and Eurobeats. Guardian.co.uk/music called it "District 9 donk". Put a zef on it!
Guiltcore
As played by: the Chelsea Pensioners, the soldiers. Look, we bought a Help For Heroes wristband, please stop!
Rape gaze
As played by: Salem, Creep. Listed as a "joke" genre by Brooklyn boy-girl duo Creep on their MySpace page. Subsequently cited as a real one by a serious website in their review of Salem's LP. Quickly repudiated by all involved. See also: witch-house.
Choircore
As played by: Glee cast, Gaggle (sort of). We might have made this one up, but the runaway success of the fun (but eventually quite annoying) show-choir TV hit Glee led to hundreds of show choirs springing up across the world quicker than you could say "STREIS-AND!"
Six diverting couplets from a bumper year for British hip-hop
"I got so many clothes, I keep some in my aunt's house"
Tinie Tempah ? Pass Out
"I'm a UK bad boy and just for the record/ I like tea but I don't like crumpets"
Skepta on P Diddy's Hello Good Morning remix
"Some don't know what a census is/ Some do, but they can't see the sense in it"
Ghetts ? Invisible
"I'm good friends with David C/ Got him and Samantha on the FB [Facebook]"
Nu Brand ? One Change
"Don't think I won't slap a minor/ Or an old timer/ Black bin liner/ Killer MC with a big one-liner"
Jammer ? Better Than
"It's DEVLIN/ Your girlfriend thinks I'm handsome/ I brainwash your mind like Derren Brown or Charlie Manson/ You won't suggest I'm random when I take the scene for ransom/ And I'm packing out stadiums with the fans singing my anthems/ Dirty like Lesley Grantham"
Devlin ? Brainwashed
Five unlikely places we heard the xx
Newsnight's General Election coverage
Lacking the BAM BAM BAM of the normal Newsnight titles, the xx's Intro provided a brooding air to Paxo's MP grilling. They also turned up to play the song live. It's now what Jacqui Smith hears as she tries to sleep.
US mobile phone ad
AT&T, very proud sponsors of the US Winter Olympic team, sent ice whizz Apolo Ohno skidding around a rink to the strains of Intro. Nothing says USA! USA!! USA!!! like miserable British boy-girl indie.
Karl Lagerfeld's autumn/winter show
Islands, Crystalised, VCR and Shelter all made it on to Karl's autumn-winter catwalk. Unfortunately, they were too late to appear on Vogue Presents: Karl Lagerfeld ? My Favourite Songs (feat the Fall/Minotaur Shock/Caribou).
EastEnders E20
The xx are the sound of sulking on a London bus. Sulking being the default setting of all EastEnders characters meant that their cover of Teardrops in yoof spin-off E20 was almost enough to disqualify it from this list. But not quite.
Every bloody episode of Waterloo Road
The first 10 episodes of this year's interminable Rochdale school drama featured 12 (or XII, if you prefer) tracks by the xx. That's 0.4 xx songs for every mardy teen in the show.
Mary Elizabeth Winstead Piper Perabo Anna Kournikova Esther Cañadas Kate Beckinsale
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